the fact of the matter is, I'm not happy. All of the questions and trials and tribulations..and countless times wondering and brainstorming as to what's wrong..why no matter what i do there is this unsettling feeling.So many hours and days spent day dreaming,all that thinking.No friend could provide an answer.How could they..they can only see from the outside. And for some reason i refused to believe that the answer was that simple..how could it be? I have it all. I have all i could want and if not I would get it. Wrong. I don't have everything I want. And I continued to gain and gain what would provide temporary happiness.Which despite what people say is still nice for me. But deep down, i'm not truly happy. It's not true..it's..artificial..just a sample of the real thing. So then I beagn to think of what makes me happy. I went down the list. Music, Art, life in general...but then it hit me..it just kinda sat with me and i dwelled on it. I do have it all..except..so the moment of truth..what will make me happy now? I won't write it here..but i know. Now the task of achieving it. Which after all I have done up until this point,it is still extremely difficult. The worst kind of trial and error. But I don't care...I want the real thing.                     

               "I don't want to think, I want to feel. How do I feel?"    Hail, Hail - Pearl Jam

        Where do I start...so much too say...this is going to be a long one team...

    Lately i've been getting this feeling, i'm sure many people get it everyday..but this feeling is hitting me hard...it feels like the weight of the world is on my shoulders...when i start to look around..it just hits me so hard..so many people rely on me,watch me,..care about me..i just don't know what to do..i've always been a mission oriented, i know this and i'll get into why later..but lately i've been down and out...and i just try to draw back but people won't let me..the more i pull away,people watch me and reach for me as if to say,wait where are you going...I've carved out a position for myself..a spot that people expect.I'm sorry but that's the best way I can describe it...It wasn't always like this i used to stay strictly to myself and myself alone..but as i mature, the more I realize this life is short and i need to make the best of it. Therefore being not so quick to cast out what I deem fake or poser like or emo...but find out why i dislike it..or if i even dislike it at all..an idea i wish i could express to certain friends because they sorely need it.(I'll explain later)..but because of this view i've tried to be more social..not by much,but just a little,just saying a sentence here or there or throwing in an extra smile...i dunno...

     So many people..i wish someone can view it through my eyes...so many problems..that i'm expected to do something about..i mean it's not my choice, but being the person i am..i have to do something...family...expect so much of me.want to hear from me..it's not much to ask..but i find it so difficult to do..employees...miss my vigor..and want the most of me...friends......pff....take so much...and for the first time in a long time..i'm really starting to question...friends...you sit and label everyone, i was once with you but i've outgrown..and you've continued..now you're becoming the very thing you oppose..and it sickens me to watch and say nothing..because if i say something,you'll label me..frankly i don't care if you do,but what i fear is that it won't change a thing...friends..so seperate..all these ambitions and promises of staying united but it seems as if none of you meant it,you lied,empty promises,and all your weight falls on me..so many opposite views,but i'm left as a link..why?i didnt ask for this shit...i started out as a nobody and you guys were the stars...now i'm the single link holding onto everything and everyone...you and your indecisive banter...friends...you used to be so coo..original...new in my eyes,never seen anything like it..i deemed you cool,because you were all original..so i carved my own originality only to have it sampled and borrowed...you're no longer cool...i sincerely hope you see the error of your ways before its too late..whats to stop me from labeling you...or you me..maybe you already have..maybe i'm already too late..damn...it would truly be a shame..

        My father...way too much to say here..i'll try and sum it up...my father is in the process of carrying out a decision he has made...i can't say i'm upset..the older i get the less i let my anger the best of me..to be honest most of the time i'm not even angry when i appear to be..but anyway..his decision..will most likely lead to me having to find another place to live..or take over the rent of this place which is highly unlikely..i'm not worried..just more on top of the cake..we talked last night..and even more tonight..and for some reason i think it was one of those convos that are pivotal in my life..many memorable quotes that are embedded in me, ..My father officially, unofficially said that he was very proud of me today...he said he was proud of the way i turned out and that he thought that he did good,lol..kinda funny now...and i think as we sat we both came to  realize something we've both been avoiding since i was born...I am my fathers son....i've gain my mothers attitude and oddly enuff my being hairy,but i'm pretty sure everything else came from my father..and outside of this xanga,i will still deny it..he said the torch ws passed onto me..i wont go deep into it,but many important things wre said..nothing emo though,

 well i've been going on for awhile now..ranting and raving this beauty away..these next few months will change lives...i just try to do good..maybe i've taken the whole superhero thing to heart...it's becoming so difficult...so many try to hard to be cool,that they miss out on being themselves..lets all hop on the bandwagon..we don't know any better...i've learn that this world will always take what it can't give....

I'll always do what I can.-J

memorable quotes by my father:"Your word is your bond.Use it as you would your signature."

                                                  "Never say you can't.Either You didn't try or you didn't succeed."

hey hows it goin..ok so another revalation...this chick at my job asks for my myspace address.Now i knew this was gonna happen,despite the confidence and pride i show here on this site..in reality i am a shy,quiet,walk with my head down kinda guy..yea yea i know i'm workin on it..anyway,needless to say this is how they see me at the job..innocent kid,determined,keeps to himeslf but thats ok because he's honest and does whats right.Now some might say well,whats wrong with that..and the answer is nothing but thats only half of me...the other half is the guy that doesnt give a fuck,will break the law if desired,and will knock the shit out of someone if need be..they have no idea...i mean they dont even know i curse...fuck,,huh..how u like dem apples?Now back to the point it's never bothered me before because this is a good image to have..but..this girl,is a couple of months older than me,and inch by inch she's been trying to learn just a little more about me...she knows that somethings hidden and she wants to see..as of now all she knows is i listen to rock,thats it..after a year..thats it..and i'm glad for this...

   So i give her my myspace address,i figure theres not much she can learn about me there..its not like i gave her this address..lol!she'd get more than she could handle..but anyway, i always knew she smoked weed and was a pothead..and by pothead i'm not talking the everyday,wanna be gangsta who sits outside a smokes a little something..this girl is a bonafide pothead,bongs,baggies and all..I mean i always figured she kept bringing it up to me so 1)she could show that she trusted me and wanted me to trust her...and 2)to show that she was hip and if i smoked then she was on the same level as me. So i knew thats what she was into..

   So i go to my myspace page and from there I go to hers,and i mean man,this chick was not lying,mad pics of her smoking with her friends and everything..now,the dilema..i have no problem with this...the problem is...looking back at my page..i look mad innocent..i mean,slow aoustic track from revis playin,city at night background, and a plain pic of me...compared to her page i look like a fuckin catholic school girl...what the fuckin fuck? I'm no catholic school girl man...and yea its like well she already saw u as innocent,whats the problem now? The thing is, i wanted her to see that i was inncocent in person, but get hints that i wasnt really like that full time..Basically,and blunt...I didnt and dont what her to think I'm a little bitch...She wants to see whats hidden, I dont want her to see my myspace and think "oh,thats it? i guess he really is like that."

  So after all of that(hope it makes sense) i'm conflicted..i call myself HyBriD because i feel like i'm a mix of two opposites,theerfore i think that way.So right now the slow acoustic, calm, mature J is like "man,fuck her. u and ur friends know who u are.Why does some chick need to know?" but then theres that punk,punch ur face in,sarcastic, asshole J telling me "Man i ain't no bitch.And u need to show this broad not to judge a book by its cover." And to be quite honest,right now i'm leaning towards that asshole J.

 Ah, this is my life.Like those sitcom episodes with one angel and one devil on each shoulder.lol,maybe i'll show up tomorrow with leather jacket,snakeskin boots and a cigarette in my mouth..lmao.."hey toots"..ah..i'm probably just heated right now,maybe when i cool down i wont even care anymore.

living in a state of constant changing 

been a couple of months eh?no matter...u know...the summer brings about the most change...i've always looked to summer to be this big joyous event where everything is expected to happen..but summer hasnt brought me anything good,since maybe 2003..since then every summer has been filled with difficulties and problems...mainly friendship and relationship problems...every summer...

Speaking of which..i'm sitting here and beginning to notice that..i have alot of fucked up friendships and relationships in my life...i'm not sure whether it's due to the fact that i'm not very social or it's simply because of the people i know...either way,the results are the same...and i dont know what to do......i know a group of people,male and female,known as friends...yet if i were to start a conversation with them,it would be the weirdest of things on their end.It would be like"Wow,j-----'s talking to me" or "Why is j---- talking to me?" Lol!i fucked up alot of relationships and friendships...ah..i kno they're fucked up..and if it were anyone else they would regret alot of desicions...but some how i'm comfortable...i could be that friend that everybody wants to talk to or wonder what he's doing...but..i'm just not there yet...i'm not that socialable..and i like it this way...i like to have friends,but I I dont care much for talking to them...this makes sense to me.

You know i've tried that happy go lucky type personality for awhile..obviously it didnt work..its like no matter how much u give or how much u try to be optimistic and brush things off,people still screw u over..i've heard the sayings "people don't change" and"you can't change who you are" and for along time i thought that to be not true...now..i'm not so sure..needless to say now i'm brushing things off in a diffrent way...i simply don't give a fuck no more..i could care less wtf people say or do..unless it involves me...now i know sum might say..well werent u like that before..and the answer is yes..but that was about two years ago...then sumthing happened..and i matured mentally..where i was very calm about things for a long time..and always wanted to get back to my "fuck you" attitude..well i'm not fully there...but i can honestly say..deep down...even though i am still very mature...i could careless about anything that does not involve me...its not so much of a "fuck you" attitude as it is a "don't bother me" attitude...simply put..i dont want to be bothered..especially with bullshit.

as for the copycat issue..not so much of a problem anymore...the solution was always the one i knew just never tried...simply shut my damn mouth...if i like sumthing..dont say it....if i learned sumthing new..dont say it...if i dont spread anything that goes on in my mind to those who might copy,they'll have nuthing to copy from.Simple..of course this means i have to limit expressing myself...but in the long run i think its well worth it...

which brings me to my last issue for tonight...i'm thinking of locking down this xanga so that only i can read it...i mean it never bothered me that strangers came here and read this thing..actually i enjoy the fact that random people took interest...but in order for me to be truly to myself,my thoughts have to be with me...and me alone...this xanga was never a myspace for glitz and glamour,i actually have one for that,lol...it was always a journal and a place to clear my jumbled thoughts,the music and videos was always for me even though i said enjoy to those who visited.Its just a thought but might be reality..this way i can put down even more extreme thoughts that i wasnt to sure about it the past...

well guess thats bout it for now...just thought i'd clear sum stuff up...feel refreshed..till next time.. 

Heard a lot of talk about my spirit
Heard a lot of talk about my soul
But I decided that anxiety and pain
Were better friends
So I let it go

         Complete disarray...thats where i'm at now..that's what everything looks like to me...I'm not dumb..I know why things are the way they are..because of me...this is my world...so everything that happens..I have some type of power..even if it is the smallest to affect it in some way. Now I don't know exactly where it started, but somewhere along the line I stopped caring..Before, there was this anger that was my motivation..i used it as my drive to get things done..and it was the only way because i never second guess my decisions.Now, I feel so mature...lack of better word...to the point where..things brush off me..where nothing is that serious..everything will come around eventually....but how easily i forgot that things won't happen if I don't make them...Now some people might say "the world doesn't revolve around you." and i say first of all fuck them..second of all..mines does....So my world is completely unorganized right now...and no one is going to make it right but me..the question i keep asking is ...is it worth it...i can always press reset if i wanted to...drop everything and everyone..and move on...so y not?

      I've been wanting to write this for awhile now..but i couldn't put it to the right words without coming off as egotistical...Sometimes..we have no idea how much our words mean...how influential the little things we say or do can be to other people. I used to get heavily upset when people did what i called "copying" me. I never like the idea of people "copying" me..i was brought up to believe everyone is unique in their own way..and i felt like mines was being taken away because people would watch my moves so they could imitate.And it wasn't only that that upset me,but the fact that instead of just coming and telling me that they liked something I liked so we could share the same feeling..they would try and sneak so i wouldnt know but others would...who am I kidding it still upsets me. But for about a year or two I've been trying to find a solution to this without having to isolate myself from everyone...truth is I haven't found one,but I've found another reason for it..I think..that somehow..some way my word means something to someone for some reason...got that?..I've talked with some people..and they've said that they think I know what I'm doing..that i'm never lost. I always have an idea or a plan...and that they want to be on the same track...and i had never realized this...Probably because i don't think it's true..anyone who reads this knows that i'm always lost...I just don't show it...But nonetheless..i think it's coo that if that's how certain people see me..but I'd rather have people walk besides me,than behind me...but overall..i think i'm starting to see differently realizing that..there is some menaing to way i say..instead of my words falling on deaf ears...realizing that what i like...others may like because they think i have good taste..

     all that i ask...of anyone in this damned world..is for people not to fear me...now i know that may sound crazy but it's what i believe..i dont speak my mind out loud so people fear what i'm thinking..or what i may think of them..so they withdraw..as a safety measure...but all that does is force me to stay quiet..i won't put my cards down unless you do first..it's the way i'm programmed.

Guess that's all for now...thinking of writing a song...so many words floating around, now to put them down in a poetic fashion.Later.Be safe.          - J

"Roamin', roamin', roam
Get away, gotta get away
And I think I think too much
I don't care, yeah and I don't care
Roamin', roamin', roam
Get away, gotta get away
And I think I think too much" Stone Temple Pilots - Crackerman